he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Drunk is not a location!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
