How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
