Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
being pregnant is like rehab
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
