Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
