Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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