my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize