I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize