i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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