That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
