peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
