I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
