I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
