When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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