so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
