they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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