I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
