he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize