I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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