this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
