we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
