At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
