I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
