So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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