Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
