Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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