i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
