I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
