Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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