No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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