i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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