I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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