this beer tastes like vomit already
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
