i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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