Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
