my phone needs a breathalizer
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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