My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
