Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
