What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
