I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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