I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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