i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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