My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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