before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
