Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
