I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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