I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
