so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
