the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
