So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
