Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
