The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
