She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Another day, another engagement, another cat
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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