dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
