you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
