I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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