I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize