So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
