Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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