Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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