I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
