Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize