My first STD was from a foam party
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
