i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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